I often strive to be perfect in other people’s eyes, or at the very least, not disappoint them. This perfection complex invades everything I do, from typing an impeccable blog post, to being an exceptional friend, dog-mom, sibling, co-worker, and fiancé. So, of course, this complex is alive and well in my wedding planning. And I realized its influence while I was having some casual drinks a few Saturday nights ago.
My fiancé, Matt, and I were at a PHS pop-up beer garden in Philadelphia with another couple (who are coincidentally newly-weds, and were recently married at an exquisite resort in Mexico). While the discussions of our work and daily lives carried on, the inevitable “wedding planning” topic came up. The conversation started the way it usually does, with the typical “how’s the wedding planning going?” I took the opportunity to bring up my newest table decoration idea – gold flatware!
I’ve had quite a bit of experience on the not-so-glamorous side of weddings, as I had spent a few years catering weddings after college. I cannot tell you how many expensive flower bouquets ended up in the garbage at the end of the night. With this in mind, I made the resolution early on in my planning that expensive floral arrangements were out of the question. So when I stumbled across the gold flatware during one of my wedding themed Pinterest pinning-sprees, I felt this was the answer to my prayers! I was totally enamored. How different! How ornate! This would be a perfect alternative to ridiculously overpriced flowers. Without any hesitation, I saved several flatware Pins to my “Wedding Planning Board;” confident that I would make this happen for my big day.
I had been contemplating how to turn my exceptional idea into a reality for days. So, now that I was out with a couple of wedding veterans and my fiancé, I was thrilled to share my idea! Unfortunately, upon revealing my grand plan, I felt instantaneous regret. At first they thought I was kidding. Once they came to the realization that I was dead serious, their expressions made me feel like I was planning on offering them sardines instead of fresh water salmon. Even my own fiancé even played a part in crushing my dream, “Won’t that be too expensive? And do you think the Windrift even offers that,” he proclaimed. I made an attempt to regain their confidence in my vision. I even joked and said, “even if no one else has gold settings, we all will, I don’t care how it looks!” They could see how set I was on the idea and tried to offer some sage advice; perhaps people could bring them home as their wedding favors! Despite their attempt to salvage the idea, I could feel my gold-plated dreams slip through my fingers, and shatter like glass. What I had originally envisioned being the perfect idea, was now slowly degrading into nothing more than a pipe dream.
As the conversation shifted and the night ended, I was left contemplating the impact of the décor discussion. I intrinsically know the intent of these wedding conversations are not meant to fill my mind with uncertainty. Yet, somehow the end result is unavoidable: Any idea, which isn’t met with immediate enthusiasm, I immediately doubt. Everyone who has planned a wedding typically encourages me not to listen to what others think and just “do you.” Nonetheless, I still feel a longing for people’s approval deep inside.
After this particular conversation, I found myself worrying about my weddings future and my future, with thoughts like: There are so many decisions to make, what if I make the wrong one? What if I decide on something and something better comes along? If I can’t make a good decision about something as simple as table settings, should I even get married? Then right before I jumped off the deep end into an existential crisis, I remembered something very important: all of these doubts are just thoughts – nothing more, nothing less. I will have tons of them over the next 365 days. And whatever decision I make from them, in all reality, really doesn’t matter too much to anyone but me. In 40 years (which is hopefully how long I will be married) no one is going to remember if the colors of the bridesmaid’s dresses are an exact match to the calligraphy on my wedding invitations; no one will remember (or care) if I have gold or silver flatware.
Everything I decide on isn’t going to be a perfect 10 to every guest, nor does it need to be. The day is about the love I share with my partner, not impeccable peonies. Perfection doesn’t make the love I share with my partner any less special or meaningful. Besides, even the best decisions don’t always go as planned – a bridesmaid could get sick, the weather may not cooperate and about a dozen other imperfect scenarios could play out! So for all of you future brides out there who, like me, find yourself worrying about planning the perfect wedding, I will leave you with the wise words of Baz Lurhman:
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t,
Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t,
Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the “Funky Chicken,”
On your 75th wedding anniversary,
Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either,
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s…
– Editing courtesy of Kimberly A. Howard
Getting Hitched 