2017 marks the official start of my wedding year and with this fresh start, I find myself pondering what marriage really means to me. The events to come in the year ahead will probably make me think about the meaning of marriage often. So, I thought it would be helpful to document my thoughts on an ideal marriage, as a way of monitoring how my perception of marriage changes over time and as a reminder of why I am making this commitment.
My definition of marriage started very simple; the bond of two individuals for the duration of their lifetime. Yet, this simplistic description did not seem to capture the never-ending complexities that occur during said lifetime. Nor did the definition capture the impact of natural changes that occur to the bond, over decades. This is part of what makes marriage pretty hard for me to define; the uncertainties of the future. I don’t know if life will be harder or easier after we are married. If the sacrifices will be greater for my partner or myself. I cannot predict what joys or sorrows may befall us. The experience is different for everyone and I can only anticipate our marriage will be as unique as my fiancé and I.
So in order to elaborate on my simple definition, I wrote down the top 10 elements of an ideal marriage, combined, they define what marriage means to me right now, as inexperienced, wife to be. They are as follows:
- Gratitude:
The grass can seem greener elsewhere – if you don’t appreciate what you have. With marriage, I promise to really see all the gifts I have in life, instead of what I don’t, because if I have the love of another person who wants the best for me -forever – that is a pretty much the best gift I could ask for.
- Sacrifice:
Marriage means sacrifice because I am choosing to favor someone else’s happiness over my own, the majority of the time, because my partner is doing the same for me.
- Selflessness:
There is more to life than loving yourself, you have to learn to love somebody else and sometimes that means putting their needs ahead of yours (see Sacrifice).
- True Partnership:
In thick and thin, I am partnering with one person to take on the world. I can be the Robin to his Batman and the Bonnie to his Clyde.
- Acceptance:
Marriage means loving the person for who they are, right now. Not who they were or who you think they might become. And continuing to do that every day, as we grow, when wrinkles start to appear or health problems arise, and as other inevitable life changes occur.
- Consideration:
I don’t want to feel like I am sacrificing in vien and I suspect my partner wouldn’t either. I will consider my partner when I am making decisions to maintain the careful balance of emotions within the relationship.
- Growth:
Over time people grow and interests change. This is inevitable. Marriage is a commitment to actively engage in my partners growth. I don’t want to grow apart because, we stopped paying attention to each other’s interests or lives outside of each other.
- Trust:
This seems like the most important element. So much of life is unpredictable, which can be unnerving, I want to trust that I know what my partner is about and trust he has my back, no matter what.
- Communication:
Communication is so simple, yet always seems underestimated in relationships. Solid and open communication can lay the groundwork and sustain trust, appreciation, and almost all of the other elements in this list.
- Patience
Patience is really critical in all facets of life.
Since I have no first hand experience with matrimony, I should probably emphasize my only paradigm, for what I am basing “what marriage means to me” on, comes from secondary stories of partnerships from the past and present. I have heard about the success and failure of many relationships, some lasting for decades and others only months, but only from the outside in. This limits my true wisdom on the subject matter. However, from what I have heard, the meaning of marriage is also highly influenced by the existence of divorce. Maybe this is because divorce makes marriage seem less scary, for some people, because they know they will always have an exit strategy if things get bad. I have always felt the ease of divorce adds and element of sterility to matrimony and shallows the true depth of the commitment. Divorce should be used in extreme cases, and marriage should not be taken lightly, yet somehow it still is – why else would 52% of marriages be doomed to fail.
These stories and statistics have led me to believe, everyone who is contemplating marriage should take some time to figure out exactly what marriage means to them, before signing on the dotted line. Contemplating its meaning has helped me realize I have a lot of idealistic thoughts about the concept of marriage and I may have some high, although not unreasonable, expectations of myself and of my partner. It will be interesting to see if my thoughts and expectations change much over time or if they remain stable through the decades we spend together. So, what does marriage mean to you?
Getting Hitched 